Sage Thoughts

I come to you as a middle aged, married American woman. My original dating history spanned the late 80’s and early 90’s as PCs were just coming into their own and the internet was a fledgling communication device used mostly by geeky guys I knew who had Apple computers. It was message boards and forums… my how this has evolved.

I am no stranger to online dating. In fact after my divorce from the husband I acquired through traditional methods I met my future husband on Internet Relay Chat in 1996. This fact turned heads and many people did not understand. Only about ½ or less of the population was online back then.  We are currently married with children and living the American dream.

The internet, the access, the ability to be plugged in no matter where we are these days is  totally mind blowing. Is it healthy to be receiving texts from someone who is on the throne? We have become a society that is never alone. It seems all boundaries have gone out the window with the complete immersion of ourselves in this culture.

It is a blessing and a curse. Through these now common place means of communication we are now able to meet people who never would have crossed our paths in the “old” days. The pool of selection has widened to an unbelievable scope. With so many ponds to fish in… OKC, POF and I’m sure you know many more than I do, I’m old and married after all, how can anyone possibly focus?

The immediate gratification and validation you get when you get a message on your phone, your blackberry, your Ipod, your yahoo, your AIM, one or all of your email accounts is a rush and a thrill. It is easy to become addicted to all that New Relationship Energy (NRE).

It used to be said, again back in the old days, that women are like buses, one comes along every 20 minutes. Well now it seems here in the 21^st century women and men come along every 5 minutes. Again I have to wonder how do we focus.

We meet people, pretty often and regularly. Some there is a chemistry with others not. The ones who are common, don’t move you much,  are easy, you catch and release. But what about the ones that get inside, that touch you just right, that you seem to have a connection and chemistry with. What do you do with those? How can you focus for more than a week when you are being constantly bombarded by new potential best things that ever walked into your life?

I have seen this phenomenon first hand. At first I thought it was my marital status, then I started to wonder if hey maybe I am just an intense short term thing to most people, a flash in the pan of the psyche so to speak. But I have just come to the realization that it is not me. It is the culture and it is the nature of people. The forever chasing the brass ring, the grass is always greener, maybe I am missing something if I am relating just with this person. It is the nature of us, both men and women to want the best, to seek the best, to always be looking for more. Never satisfied, never able to satisfy. I guess it keeps us on our toes, gives us a reason.

So along these lines of thought then I have to voice my concern for marriage. I have to admit that I am not the staunchest defender of the vow of marriage. I believe people choose to be together and they can choose the terms of that togetherness. It comes in all flavors and styles and none are more right than the other. We are bound, for life, but we must continue to grow in ourselves no matter what avenue that takes.

That said I am wondering if marriage will become extinct in the 21^st century. Or will it mutate to incorporate the changing needs of a hyperactive, multitasking population of human spirits who are generally restless. What if you meet that person, the rightness you have searched for, the one who compels you to say I DO. What do you do with all the ponds? Do you roll up the piers, pull the plugs. Do you close down your accounts, your yahoo goes silent? What happens? How do you transition from a fun-loving adventure seeking single- most -wanted man/woman alive, to the lover of just one special heart and soul.

This was always hard enough. As proven by the sheer number of people who do not and can not remain faithful. But how do you get past this when temptation is only a click away. How do you slow down the hamster wheel of the search and focus only on one. And without the ability to do this, do your relationships risk becoming superficial flings, nothing more deep than a passing in the night every now and then. A meeting of the minds for a few brief minutes between instant messages?

I have gotten to know many men in my time online. Some deeply. I worry about them and their 1 week cyclic attention spans. I worry about the women who they date and the turmoil in all these hearts who are out there looking for a clue. And I guess my biggest worry is for my 2 sons. This is the world that my little boys will be growing up into. How do I help them learn to focus, learn to look into a woman’s heart, one woman at a time to find the one they want to be with long term. How do I teach them about the distractions and the dangers and the difficulty dispersing all that energy can cause in their lives. The constant roller coaster of emotions, hopes too high, rejections too low, over and over again on a weekly basis. It is more than a loving soul should have to bear. It has to be destructive in its own way. Do you feel jaded before your time? Will my sons be jaded before they find someone worth it?

The internet itself is addicting. The dating scene is addicting too. I guess like with all other addictions to guide them,  I have to make sure they have good self esteem and they know the pitfalls. Maybe that is why I was drawn explore dating and social networking sites. To learn the pitfalls first hand. My head understands it all, but my heart just refuses to catch up. In that respect I will one day communicate my lessons learned here to my sons.

Wondering about Wandering

Relationships… what do we truly want from them?

Can one person be all we need? Is it even fair to ask one person to try to be all we need?

There has to be diversity in life, changing scenery, something to compare things to. How would we know what we truly have if we never experienced anything else. Would vanilla truly be vanilla if we never tasted spice upon our tongue?

I guess these are questions of a mind that wanders, a seeker of truth and excitement, and more.

It seems most people live in the cradle of their making, with one other person for years and years on end. Why is that so hard to fathom for me?

I have tried it, I have lived it… but eventually discontent. So far no strategy to combat that.

Is there one special man out there for me that would make all these desires go away, that could fulfill me enough that the grass around our love would always be the greenest?

How do you hold  love together when both he and I have these same issues? Trust is the victim having been slaughtered over and over in our minds and in actions that set the dominoes tumbling every time. Same needs, same obsessive thoughts of wanting more, more, more, all the time. Intensity junkies wanting the thrill of the chase, the allure of seduction, the primal beat of lust and love coursing through our veins… can we sustain that? Wouldn’t it be fun to try? Are we strong enough to try, to risk it all for our love?

Is it really a case of not appreciating what you have, or is it more not being able to fulfill some vague need within. Something probably that should be filled by the self and not the other?

So many theories exist on this. Lot of books about it… lots of marriages and relationships fail because of it.

I have to wonder… can a soulmate cure wanderlust? Can a twin flame light the way so brightly that all else pales in comparison.

Am I ready to find out? Are you?

Today I begin my new creative venture. This site is an outlet for my thoughts and writing and photos and a way for me to share things that catch my attention in life. Enjoy!

Today is Monday. The first day in a new month… moving into a new season. The first day of the rest of my new life. The first day in 10 years I have had more than 3 hours to myself at a time. Both of my children are going to school full time this year starting TOMORROW.

This is the season of the year I have been waiting for.

I am on the brink and it is somewhat anticlimactic… which is what often happens with long awaited dates and milestones. I feel like there should be a sky writer going over my house writing BE FREE in pink smoke! Or maybe a firework or two, or a harpist playing angel music to beckon me within myself…. so far though… all I have is my anticipation, a slight reservation at the emptiness that awaits me tomorrow at 9 am… this really is a milestone. A life changing time… and I can’t let it go by without decent reflection.

The days ahead are for reflection and prayer and searching my soul and listening to my guides on what I need most in my life now. Then to ask for the energy, courage and inspiration to go get it and make it happen.We are all the same… all have our challenges, all have our ways of coping with them and trying to go forth and be the best people we can be, and leave Mother Earth a little better because of us. I feel the change coming, I feel the universe opening up and pulling me into her loving embrace. I feel ME again… all that I am, all that I am becoming, all that I desire and all that I am blessed to have.

Staring at the moments of my life before me, wondering… what next?